You Can't Sell'em If You Can't Get'em In The Tent

All religions

Everything has to be marketed in some way in order to gain widespread acceptance. Your aunt Mabel's cookies may indeed be the best in the world, but no one will know unless they hear about them and can be induced to try one. Although religions may not be seen as being traditionally 'marketed', they must still have an easily understood message to attract followers/converts. The following are summaries of the marketing messages of the world's major religions*. The quoted passages are translations of the founding texts, heavily edited for content and brevity; they are listed in the approximate order of the time of the religion's appearance.

* These are from the initial founding documents; the thousands of subsequent branches may vary a bit from the original.

Mogen DavidJudaism

YHWH: "I am G_D and I made you. I have a few books here that tell you how I want you to live. I know, it's complicated, but do it right so I won't have to come down and kick your butts. Now goodbye..."


Brahma: "The Universe is complicated, so I made a bunch of assistants to help me with the details. If you are having a problem, try asking one of them to help - they might if they feel like it. Remember - if you are a real bastard, I might bring you back as a toad - or worse."


Lao-Tse: "You think I have all the answers?? Grow up and figure it out by yourself, but be careful where you put your feet so you won't fall off a cliff."

dahrma wheelBuddhism

Buddha: "You will suffer and die - and then you come back again and do it over and over again until you get your head straight and realize the suffering was your fault all along. This may take quite a while..."

Christian crossChristianity

Jesus: "Pay your taxes, suffer, bleed and die, but if you believe in me and repent of being a rat-ass SOB all of your life, after you die you can come up and sit with me and we'll talk. Hope you're happy now."

Islamic crescentIslam

Mohammed: "Submit to Allah and go out and make everyone else submit too. If they don't, you can kill them, steal their stuff and take their women and children as your personal sex slaves (or you can sell them - whatever). If any of your four wives objects, beat her until she stops complaining - and you can also beat her if she has a 'headache' when you're ready to get it on. Oh - and I almost forgot - if you get killed making this submission thing work, Allah will sweep you up into his arms, take you to Heaven and give you tons of good eats and 72 virgins to cater after your every need."

I don't know about you, but it seems that at least for us guys, one of these has a real killer of a marketing plan...